What is Wealth?

Writing about this makes me very anxious and really nervous. The topic I am going to be discussing is something that is very close to me and it's something that took me a while to admit to myself let alone tell my family and friends about.

I am going to be talking about my mental health today. Take a deep breath and let's begin.

Around the last week of February, I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety and stress-induced depression. I think my depression began when I started my final year of law school in September 2019. I only came to terms with it in February 2020. The reason I think it took me so long to realise that I was mentally not doing well is that I felt as if I lived in a world where I did not have time to take breaks. You could say, I acted as my own Indian parent, adding unnecessary pressures and just not taking the time to appreciate myself.

So how did I come to terms with it?

Well, on January 6th 2020, which was Vaikuntha Ekadasi (A Hindu Festival), I was on my way to the Temple with my dad to celebrate. On our way, dad asked me to play a few devotional God songs. Most devotional songs are sung in Sanskrit an old classical Indian language which I do not fully understand. So, as we were listening to the devotional songs, dad would pause the song to then explain to me the meaning of what the person was singing. The more I got to understand these lyrics, the more I felt disconnected to the words and emotions expressed in these songs.

The words used for instance were 'happiness' 'gratitude' 'life-debt (not monetary)' 'fulfilment' and many more. They were words of gratefulness and positivity towards God but still. They were words that I could not remember the last time I used to describe my life or how I felt. To me at that time, in that moment and for the near future, the words I associated myself and the life I was living was 'emptiness'.

Since then, I would find myself as the days went by sitting quietly and crying uncontrollably sometimes for an hour. It would be triggered randomly by those positive words mentioned above which I would hear in other songs (not just God songs). I would get so tired crying that I would just lie down and not feel like doing anything. However, being in final-year at law school means no time for breakdowns and taking breaks, so soon enough I would force myself back to work. I slowly started falling out of love with law. I hated getting up in the morning and when I was waiting for the bus to go to University, I would wish something bad would happen so that I did not have to go to University anymore.

All this negative thinking and crying made me scared and worried that it will affect my work which is the worst thing that could happen. After all, I had worked very hard to get to the position I was in academically and professionally.

I knew there was something wrong with me so I called a close friend of mine, G. Not dwelling too much into G's life, G had also gone through something similar last year and had come out of it, stronger than ever, so I knew that G was the best person to talk to regarding what I was going through. I remember it was around 10 am on a weekday, I randomly called G who instantly picked up (thank the lord) and we spoke for about half-hour wherein I cried to G saying "I'm sorry this is not a nice call, it is a very depressing call but I really need your help". G gave me the courage to ask for help from the University and most of all told me "It's going to be okay", those words meant everything to me.

Soon after, I spoke to my Senior Advisor at my University and then my GP and with A LOT of crying and talking, I came to the conclusion that I need to start valuing my life. I had constantly gotten used to telling myself that I just need to keep pushing myself and eventually once I finish my exams, get a job etc. I will be happy then. I explained this to my doctor who then asked me "What's the guarantee that you will actually be happy when you finish your exam or graduate?". My GP then said, "It looks like you're just delaying your happiness and it makes no sense".

My GP was right, I really was, it sounds silly, it is so simple but yet to me it wasn't. I realised that while I was doing so much academically and professionally, always thinking about what's next and believing that I could not stop, I had somehow lost who I was as a person, my happiness in the present. My doctor told me that

"There are moments where life is always going to seem really hard, however, if you don't appreciate yourself, then everything thing you do is meaningless, who are you actually working this hard for?"

I was worried my GP would just prescribe medicine and tell me to move on. which is not I wanted. Luckily, my GP was the completely opposite, instead of medicine she gave me the courage to properly speak to my family and close friends.

[A photo I took of myself when I got home after speaking to my Senior Advisor. I took this photo as a reminder to myself that how I felt today speaking about my terrible mental state, I will never forget and things will improve. P.S. I wore a lot of snapbacks back then because I would cry so much, my eyes would look glassy and red.]

You see I was really afraid that if I told people how I was feeling, they might treat me differently or think I was weak. I gathered all my courage and slowly started calling my close friends one by one and family to tell them what had happened. Crazy thing is, once I spoke to them, I realised that I should have come to them sooner because the more I spoke to them, I understood that I was not alone.

Shockingly, I found that what I felt, this feeling and need to be successful really fast and overworking yourself to achieve it, was in fact very common feeling for people my age. I was given loving and hard-hitting advice, a lot of it drawn from personal experiences and it made me decide that I should live presently.

Since then, I ask myself "Does this make me happy?" and go with my gut feeling. I still feel anxious, stressed and fear the future but I always remind myself worrying about this will not change anything and stressing about it won't make me happy, I then find myself moving on.

I should have added this early on but I actually started praying/ mediating since January after the Temple incident. Initially, when I started praying, its because you know I'd seen on TV/movies and heard from people that believing in God and praying really helps mentally. However, I came to realise that for me it isn't so much about religion like I'm not crazy about God or praying. But I find the devotional songs of my favourite god really motivating because of the lyrics. Initially, it was hard because I cried a lot when I heard these positive words in the God songs. Five months on since January, it is a work in progress, so far I am still praying /meditating every morning and since the beginning of March, I have cried but it's because I was watching Marley & Me (hehe).

Finally, I just want to say to anyone who's in their 20s worrying about where they are going in life, you really really are not alone in thinking this way. Not everyone has it together. Sometimes it takes longer than necessary to achieve your goals. Most of all you need to remind yourself to not compare yourself to others. Remind yourself never give up on you. The most important thing, if you find yourself slipping, ask for help, there is always a way! I always tell myself, I am creating my own unique path and it is mine, so it does not matter if it is different from others. That is your own unique story.

Depending on your perspective, you can either view this as a weakness or strength. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason So, I think by going through something like this I actually feel stronger and can be a better support system for my family and friends.

"The first wealth is health" Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank you for reading my first and very heavy post.